Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything I know about U.S. history and geography I learned by reading the sides of U-Haul moving trucks.

   Grandma learned that 50 Shades of Grey... was not a book about hair colour!

   So another shooting occurs in another College..... I dont know why we not making the bullets more expensive than college by now

   Starbucks really isn't that expensive compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup.

   We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?

   Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.

   Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.

   I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

   My legs always feel like jelly after sex. It must be all the running beforehand.

   Wanna help me test out my new guillotine? I'll do all the hard work, you can just lie there...

   I think my Nintendo Wii character is depressed from my lack of playing. When I logged on he had a full beard and had a Nickelback shirt on.

   I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown's greatest hits CD.

   I hate people who talk about sex all the time!! Sex is a great thing, it's makes the world go round, without sex there is no humanity, how can someones think about sex that much!! That's why I never talk about sex.

   I heard ove a million people attended Obamas inauguration and only 14 of them missed work!

   all these crazy a$$ nuts with guns are making the gun nuts look bad...

   I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

   wife doesn't understand the home improvement and beer monies come from the same budget

   Let’s get married. Well not married, but let’s share our stuff. Well not share, but give me half of your stuff.

   The perfect day is one where the only decision you have to make is which drink to order.

   I ate a cigarette last night cause I thought it was a fry.