Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever die and find out there is no heaven or hell I am going to be really pissed.

   When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.

   Okay "beautiful" girls...be as narcissistic as you wish, yet remember, there was someone named Marilyn Monroe. And I promise you, you do not measure up.

   if Taylor would learn to blow like a good all American girl, she'd never ever ever......have to write another break up song.

   What happens on holiday,stays on holiday. Except for STDs, they will always come back with you

   If you see a white guy in a sombrero passed out in the gutter today please make sure I still have a pulse.

   This Jack n Coke tastes like assault charges.

   If sex is the only basis for your relationship, make sure it's good enough so that you never have to talk.

   Shout out to trees. You shady motherf uckers.

   Pizza delivery is no reason to put pants on.

   She charged me an extra $15 disappointment fee.

   Beer is good, but beers are better.

   Tell me everything, so I can secretly judge you. - most people

   You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL. Anyways, the baby's ok.

   seriously people, we all have smart phones. Stop with the weather updates on FB...

   In Dumb People News: 3 Dudes tried to rob a Redbox last night for the Money inside of it..

   One day I will find a wife. Don't know who's, but I will find her...

   all you ladies look better after some beertox...

   Hey Cougars, FYI: drunk h0rny guys will go home with anyone. You're actually not that special.

   It is so cold, when I came to work this morning I saw a hitchiker holding up a photograph of his thumb.