Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd kill for the kind of confidence that every 350 pound black w oman has.

   'North Korea threatens new nuclear test.' Pfft... Lets be honest, have you ever owned anything made in Korea that worked?

   You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.

   Sometimes all you need in life is some really good sex.

   Guys like it when girls go commando, so I assassinated a Nicaraguan dictator.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I'm not even sure where sandwiches live.

   Even though she never existed, Brent Musberger is hoorny for Manti Te'o dead girlfriend.

   Ashley Madison is my favorite cheating website named after the two most spoiled girls in every 4th grade class.

   Doesn't North Korea understand that these grand threats will result in a harsh musical rebuke from Toby Keith?

   Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.

   Leave it to a collection of random motherf uckers I've never met to make me feel less like shi t, I love you guys

   Can't Brad and Angelina just adopt North Korea?

   anybody else worried about this North Korea threat. I've been nuked in "Empires and Allies" and that didn't turn out so well. This might be worse...

   "My boyfriend this. My boyfriend that. My boyfriend is cooler than you. My boyfriend bought me stuff" - girls that I hate

   Please stop suggesting that we should work out. We don't tell you to go back to school and take 1st grade spelling.

   I'm old, but I'm not "has friends that have died from natural causes" old.

   ME … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ? My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

   On a positive note..... North Korea can only reach the west coast, nobody cares about them anyways.

   Groupie: Hi. My name's Candi. I'm not a groupie. I'm a friend of the band. Band guy: Wanna $crew? "Friend Of The Band": Okay.

   The gym manager just gave me a dirty look....Apparently, reverse cowgirl is not an appropriate way to ride the exercise bike.