Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I seen a flying mattress going down the road, but then realized it was strapped to a smart car.

   A woman is not an object, listen to what it says.

   Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?....Not the first time length has been lied about!

   Me calling restaurant: Hi. Do you have tables or just booths? Restaurant: We have both. Is this for a handicapped person? Me: No..I'm just a fat f**k.

   Whenever I walk into a Wal-Mart I automatically hate everyone.....including myself.

   To those who ask why do need a gun that the capacity of holding 20-30 rounds of ammo....... Ok, let me ask you this, Do you need a cell phone? Do you need a Ipad? Do you need an SUV or a 50,000 square foot house? Do you need facebook? Nope! But its

   Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??

   My friend told me not to say anything about her new boyfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on his normal one.

   Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?.... Time for me to find a good attorney!

   This new bank app I have sends me suspicious activity alert for just about anything.....*alert* someone paid off a light bill, *alert* someone opened a bar tab, *alert* you've overpaid the stripper

   Just imagine how Humpty Dumpty felt when all the kingmens couldnt put him back together....... Thats how I feel about our relationship

   I can’t believe we’re almost four years away from someone using “Gangnam Style” as a deliberately outdated comedy reference.

   Making moral decisions based on money will leave you emotionally poor.

   Anyone else noticing a pattern of flies being attracted to Obama?

   "I'll need a table for 5 and napkins for 70.".... -- Me, with my wife and kids entering any restaurant--

   What's 100 ft long and has 20 teeth?.................... The funnel cake line at the Maine State Fair.

   I bet you can't say "cops" without moving your mouth!

   A BJ a days keep the sluts away from my man...

   They told me I can catch more flies with honey than with vingar. I said "I can catch even more with manure, whats the point?"

   assumes "don't try this at home" really means do it at a friend's house or when your parents aren't around.