Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop talking to me and stare at your phone. It’s 2013.

   I bet you wish you could cut and paste a brain into your head.

   Not going to see the new Hansel & Gretel. However, in keeping with the spirit of those who get excited over this type of thing, I'm leaving a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere I go so I can find my way home.

   Subway lawsuit defense ... maybe the sub was cold.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

   if the college you went to has a tv commercial, you didnt go to college

   Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

   I'd never get in the back of a stranger's van for candy, but if you have a beer, then consider me kidnapped.

   too positive to be doubtful, too optimistic to be fearful and too determined to be defeated.

   my power is going through red lights and looking hot enough to not get pulled over

   Getting married at 18 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

   The sound of a child's laughter makes me smile. Unless its in Zombies! Dang box!

   Camping - Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes

   Officer; "Sir, would you mind taking an alcohol test?" Me; "I have been testing alcohol all day so I don't see how one more test could hurt."

   COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School??.. COP: ???... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School,,, Sir?

   My super power is inching forward at a red light to make it change to green...

   Sometimes its better to remain silent because you are tired of explaining yourself over and over again to the same dumbass person.

   hate when I just get home and can't sleep cuz it's too bright out!

   It's like 7 degrees today. I just hugged a guy & I had to call him an ambulance, he got 2 deep nipples stab wounds on the chest.

   Am I gonna have to be the one that asks? Really? Cause I'm not seeing how we're supposed to buy into Donkey having babies with the Dragon from Shrek