Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I had too much to think :-(

   Welcome to Fart Club, it stinks in here, this was a bad decision for a club.

   Math Quiz: my sister's been unmarried since 1997. How many cats does she have?

   Women need to be complimented so much it's like they're asking us to lie.

   I am woman. Hear me ignore.

   If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we'll never know.

   I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.

   The existence of the 'snooze' button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.

   Sometimes I think my mind is out to get me.

   No, I don't remember why I don't like you but what does that have to do with anything?

   If naps had a taste, I bet they'd be so delicious.

   The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.

   Rosie O'Donnell just won the Green Award for Conservation. It only takes two tablespoons of water to fill her bathtub.

   They say if you dump a cat hundreds of kilometers away from home, it will eventually find its own way back. So all you cat-owners putting up posters of your missing cat need to stop wasting your time because it’s obvious your cat does not want to be fou

   It's been a long day,,,I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.

   Sitting on the couch eating graham crackers and just remembered I forgot to flush the toilet upstairs.

   a foot tattoo on a guy considered gay?

   A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears... Personally I think its nuts.

   The American Pickers just found an ancient Bible hand signed by the apostle Paul. They talked the guy down to thirty bucks .

   It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them.