Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I cant take it anymore, I'm going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?

   "i would do anything for love, but I won't do that...or that, or that, or that, or that, or that"

   Roses are red, Twitter is blue, you look bangable, so I'll follow you

   Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.

   if I was a beer, I'd drink me,,,

   every time I hear someone say 1993, I still think it was only 10 years ago...

   so many hotties... and they're all freaking scared of me!

   Arguing with a person who has rejected the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

   Studies have shown that people who masturbate have longer lives then the people who dont... Guess that means my a$$ is living forever...

   Fair play to Beckham for giving his wages to a children's charity, but lets not forget Rooney has been giving his to the elderly for years.

   If you're skinny already why the heck are you trying to diet ? What are you trying to lose ? Your life ?

   With all the crazy things I've done and survived, I'm convinced its because God has a special purpose for me and doesn't want me to die yet. Although, more and more, I get the impression its just because He needs a laugh every now and then.

   once you learn how to be happy, you won't tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.

   I just found out that all the people who say "You haven't changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)

   We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!

   Silence doesn't always mean 'Yes'. Sometimes it means "I'm tired of explaining to people who don't even care to understand."

   a relationship between two person should be like the relationship between the hand and the eye. If the hand gets hurt, the eye cries, and if the eye cries, the hand wipes its tear.

   Ron Jeremy is in the hospital... I think I've seen that one before on Redtube.

   sneezing while brushing your teeth is not a good way to start your day...

   If you ever get butterflies in your stomach, maybe you shouldn't have swallowed those caterpillars.