Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.

   My girlfriend said I treat her like she doesn't exist so I told her I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.

   New study finds sex with condoms just as satisfying as without. Had Kanye West known this…

   Lady Gaga wants her perfume to smell like blood & semen. If I wanna smell blood & semen I’ll punch Clay Aiken in the mouth!

   The search for Friday night is followed much too quickly by the discovery of Monday morning.

   Awake √ breathing √ blessed √ Thankful √. God is good

   I would like to give a huge shout out to all the baby mommas that got or will git all that tax money this year Holla.........

   all I want for my birthday is a big booty call

   "Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook....yes, I'll hold"....

   Would someone please stop the earth from spinning? I'd like to get off.

   I miss complaining about the summer heat.

   The boy who used to bully me in grade school still takes my lunch money,,,,,,on the plus side, he never forgets to ask me if I want to upsize my fries.

   Awkward is when you're dancing with a girl and she bends over so you can grind it, then realize she dropped an earring and no one in the Starbucks can hear your iPod but you...

   When the ATM printed out the receipt showing my account balance, I really don't think the LOL at the end was necessary.

   My signature move is pulling up my pants with a police flashlight shining in my face.

   With Valentine's Day a week away does anyone know of a good Cemetery I can get flowers at .....??

   Instead of the silly names the weather channel has chosen, they should pick names of infamous scam artists like Bernie Madoff who pulled off really good snow jobs.

   kind of liking the new ads on Facebook!! said by no one...

   It's better to have loved and lost, than live with the idiot for the rest of your life!

   So... You don't hunt or fish, yet you buy camo and say you're country?? Hmm, maybe confused is a better word.