Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody has criticized me yet today. I should call my ex-wife and say hello.

   All clowns are serial killers. It's a fact.

   Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts.

   I wanna f uck you so hard we both forget you're ugly.

   Aside from being hit and struck by a Smooth Criminal, how are you emotionally, Annie?

   Keep your friends close and your enemies in the basement.

   I just blocked someone for having the same name as my ex.. That's normal, right guys?

   i have a really good feeling this is all just going to be rain!

   any sorority houses out there need me to deliver pizzas, clean the pool, fix the plumbing, etc???

   I think the National Weather Service is a front for the National Grocery Association

   At least my computer goes down on me

   When you're driving, and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the same time, there's no choice other than to drive off a cliff.

   I have a question. How is it that the man who wasn't good enough to wed your daughter, can somehow be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world?

   Hey idiots always telling everyone about your going to the gym; nobody cares that you go to the gym. NOBODY!

   What's up these Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials promoting cannibalism?

   In honor of Black History Month... I plan to leave my kids and quit my job.

   I need a volunteer to make sure when I die, my obituary reads: he laid down that boogie and played that funky music til he died.

   stairs are always up to something...

   If you can read this, you're not having sex either.

   if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, then have we found the perfect location for a nickelback concert