Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wouldn't it be so disappointing if we ever come into contact with aliens, and we ask them about the mysteriousness & complexity of crop circles and they're like "Dude, we just really hate corn."

   I'm gonna build a snowman just so I can punch it in the face.

   dude, if you were the best, there wouldn't be a guy after you...

   There was a homeless guy walking down my street.. I was gonna give him a few bucks but his sign said: "ONE DAY IT MIGHT BE YOU". I put the money back in my pocket just in case he's right.

   Tried on the new Magnum condom today....The Damn thing looked like a tube sock hanging off a door knob!

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day. If your life is really that bad, you should probably do something about it. No, whining on Facebook is not considered "something."

   knew he had a serious skittles addiction when he saw a rainbow every time he used the bathroom.

   it's winter, and it snowed. Enough said!

   What's with this latest trend of using a picture of your child as a profile pic? Makes it seem as though 65% of my friends are under three years old.

   Me: Do you know me? Sales Person: Mitch, I believe Me:I prefer Magneto.

   My boss accuse me of being immature, but I had my hands over my ears and told him I wasn't listening.

   During sex, you burn as many calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?!

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."

   I have a tool for everything in my shed. Including the tool to open the lock when I lose my key ...

   I just got down with *OPP. *Other People's Pizza. Sorry, Meg in accounting.

   Does anyone know if we can claim the farm credit on our taxes for playing games on Facebook?

   Gong Xi Fa Ca! Happy Chinese New Year! And hopefully, when you wake up after two too many mai tais, you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Yu Bang Mi Nao" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   You're sexy, but not "I don't care if you have horrible grammar" sexy.

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s hit..Problem solved.

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart.