Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came across a show called "It's Me or the Dog"......I gotta say that I was immensely disappointed when I found that it wasn't a game show where people had to guess who farted...

   There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.

   Hey, Windows 8..... YOU SUCK... I should have bought a Mac...

   Every time I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the damn lock.

   I blame movies for my high expectations in relationships.

   Nothing’s forever. Forever’s a lie. All we have is what’s between hello and goodbye.

   Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.

   John Mayer is wearing a sofa from 1972.

   Glad the Kool Aid Man won a Grammy! Ohhhh that was Adele

   To further prove that Wal Mart is low class, I let a smelly one rip in one of the grocery aisles. Folks came a running thinking the store had set up a food sample stand. Unrelated, never trust a fart.

   I’m drinking something. I'll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”

   Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.

   FYI - Valentines Day is only 4 days away... It's not too late to break up.

   where the treasure is found on a treasure map

   To further prove that Wal Mart is low class, I let a smelly one rip in one of the grocery aisles. Folks came a running thinking the store had set up a food sample stand.

   I need to turn whatever it is that allows kids to sleep through anything...like a massive clap of thunder right above the house at 230am...into a pill form for adults. I would be so rich...

   A healthy marriage means making sure there's always fresh batteries in your wife's vibrator.

   I don't get why the Grammy's are such a big deal. I mean, who wants to see a bunch of old women on TV??

   Idiocy is the shortest distance between my fist and your face.

   I just want to be the reason that you constantly call your friends at three in the morning frantically crying.