Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why do people say something is to die for? If you die, you can't eat it...

   I was gonna try the whole vegan thing once, but I didn't really want to commit myself to telling everyone about it.

   Some of you make me wonder when the psych ward got Internet access.

   I over-exercised and dieted beyond what was healthy. It got so bad I had to check myself into reflab.

   I am pleased to announce that I hired Helen Waite to handle the issuance of all apologies on my behalf. So from now on, if you're looking for an “I'm sorry” from me, please go to Helen Waite for it..

   I'm gonna be busy scanning Craigslist for the PopeMobile.

   If you forward these idiotic chain posts and "If I get a thousand likes" posts, I automatically think you're stupid.

   I will put a comma wherever I want. If I pause,,,, you pause

   so ready for that all important holiday coming up, don't forget monday is the presidents day mattress sale

   Am I the only one that believes people without kids should get a "No-Child Tax Credit"... I mean I'm over here not overpopulating the world.. Think I deserve a lil something back for that... Yall Welcome!

   The good thing about Facebook is you can make someone disappear from your FB world by simply deleting and blocking the annoying offender. To accomplish the same thing in the real world, you have to find a remote location and take the time to dig a shallow

   Never tell a zombie that he looks like death warmed over

   whenver ur alone & need a hug, just remember....so does a cactus

   fights so dirty, he has never had makeup sex. It usually violates the restraining order.

   The Pope is resigning, citing family reasons. He wants to spend more time with the kids.

   I bet it's called "getting some strange" because you can get strange!

   I just saw pictures of my neighbor's 30 year high school reunion....Don't marry your high school sweetheart!!!

   I guess we know what the Pope is giving up for lent...being the Pope...

   "I'll retire when Whitney Houston stays sober for a year" - Pope Benedict XVI, 2012.

   Dear Vatican, Two words: POPRAH WINFREY.....think about it.