Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found a Capri cigarette in my son's room and now I don't know what to be most upset about.

   Reincarnation, evolution, whatever. At some point, Larry King was a possum.

   Sometimes I like to walk into Whole Foods and yell "hey, that Subaru is being towed" just to see how fast it empties out the store...

   Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   Happy Mardi Gras Everyone, Party yourself in oblivion.

   I believe the smoke coming out of that Vatican chimney while they decide on a pope is all of them smoking fatties til they can come to an agreement.

   Playing the "hey, what's in that bulging tupperware bowl" game never ends well.

   It's been over a year since I found anything to steal here. If nobody else is gonna say it I will. R I P FSM. I'd type the whole name of the page but we're not allowed smh...

   Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles..... After all,, You know what they say about old habits.

   The Catholic Church is in shock over something that hasn't occurred since 1415 AD. It ran out of mix for its annual Pancake Breakfast.

   "This is America. We don't stop doing something 'cause it's wrong. We just keep doing it til it's right." - Ed Wuncler (The Boondocks)

   Shout out to all the KKK members who have a birthday in Black History month and a birthday on the same day as MLK.

   Ok now seriously somebody should reeally! 'engineer the electricals' now!

   You can tell the Pope is a typical Man... He decided to break up a relationship with God just before Valentines Day, just so that he doesn't have to give a gift!!!

   Taylor Swift chases more balls than a puppy.

   I have a bad feeling we're going to pay for Taylor Swift not having a boyfriend on Valentines Day.

   Somebody needs to tell Ann Coulter that a shi!tload of makeup can't disguise her stupidity.

   Quick! When the hunky bartender gets the security guard and points at you; that means he's interested right? I think I’m going to drink for free the rest of the night...

   Last night, Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?

   im not lazy...my body is just an environmentalist that likes to conserve energy