Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know you didn't intentionally send me all those game requests, much in the same way I didn't intentionally b@sh in your $kull for sending them.

   A woman's broken heart can be glued together with molten chocolate.

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   Growing a beard is the closest I've come to caring for an animal.

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't you better start praying"

   If I make a woman feel special using vulgarity and another man politely makes her feel like a piece of shi t, then who is the real gentleman?

   I don't mean to be a stereotype, but like most women, I love shoplifting.

   I don't wait well.

   I'm amazed at how far women will go to try to make me jealous. My ex is married now with 3 kids -- I see right through that.

   If death is anything like sleep, sign me up.

   Does God love poor people more than rich people? to put it differently, Does God love lazy ass bums more than hardworking folks?

   Just saw A good day to die hard" movie. and its like tthey just took the Benz logo and stuck it on every vehicle they cud find, including a tank!

   I really hope the meteorite that crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!...Cause I'll Go Mexican..Tequila!

   I don’t get the phrase “cool as a cucumber” because I’ve never seen a cucumber with a tribal tattoo.

   Take an Aeropostale hoodie, soak it in Coors Light, & rub it on your face for 2 hours at a petting zoo. That’s a Dave Matthews Band concert.

   A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

   I'm not sure what colon hydrotherapy is....... But I AM sure I don't need a Groupon for that..

   I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."

   Usually hates it when people post pictures of their lunch on Facebook, but my Asian friends picture of his puppy was just too cute.

   First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"