Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   “I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   Ok, when are Mayans going to claim responsibility for the Meteorite attack on Russia?

   You have no legs and you're dating a super model and you kill her....on VALENTINES?! Good god, some people just don't know what they have do they?

   Your liver is the only organ that can regenerate itself. I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!

   Some people mistake kindness as an invitation to suck the goddamn life right out of ya.

   My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.

   The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and wave.

   I just pooped at my girlfriend's house for the first time, and now I'm single again.

   Sometimes I confuse sex with bull riding because my goal for both is to stay on for 8 seconds.

   I submitted my photo into one of those "Which Celebrity Do You Most Closely Resemble" apps. It compared me to Patrick from SpongeBob.

   I think the greeter at Walmart should apologize to you when you walk in the door.

   I'm not allowed to text and drive, but this officer can run my plates and talk on the phone simultaneously. I should brake-check him.

   My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

   a woman is driving one day and accidentally rear ends the car in front of her. when the other driver gets out she discovers he is a midget. he is clearly upset and says "i'm not happy". she replies "then which one are you?

   When I was kid they had a cure for ADHD... It was called a Good @ss Whoopin.

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".

   Alberto Morales found out the hard way that you, "Don't mess with Texas!"