Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so broke right now, he has been using used tissues as toilet paper...and sometimes vice versa.

   Article on USA Today talking about guns "Role in suicides". I guess the next time someone jumps off a bridge, we will start talking about tearing all of the bridges in America down...

   all the pictures of food you post online do is remind me that it is likely poop right now.

   never sleeps next to anything that he wouldn't want to wake up next to.

   The common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.

   so...I gues it doesn't pay to enrich your word power...

   Today, I was thinking who got all that Gaddafi's cool sunglasses.

   "That was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy." ~Amy Farrah Fowler

   Roses are Red Violets are Glorious, Never Sneak up on Oscar Pistorius

   Talking to boring people makes me feel like I’m underwater and I'm running out of oxygen.

   I haven't gotten laid in so long, you'd swear I've been wearing Crocs all this time.

   I don't want to think today. I just want to breathe.

   Tried putting myself in someone's shoes & now I have a smelly boot stuck on my head!

   clearly, it is wrong to describe woman's menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.

   I never knew the IRS had a swat team.

   Mad Facebook gets a multi billion dollar tax break

   I'm interested to find out what the police have Oscar Pistorius’s height listed as.

   Happy President's day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.

   Dear exes- please try to maintain yourself decently so that I'm not embarrassed when people ask if we dated. I will Deny You

   it me or does Don Imus look like a muppet/dc follies character?