Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.

   I have 250 mutual friends with this one guy on facebook. The weird thing is that I like all of them way better than him.

   I makes me sad to think that drug dealers know better math than I do.

   Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit.

   Let me see if I've got this right...Women like to dress sexy, but it doesn't mean they want sex? This is but one of the confusing reasons men will never understand you women.

   It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

   She is not crazy, she is female.

   I guess some people are the salt of the earth and others are the wounds.

   I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.

   I "Country Music" hate you.

   If she is married or has a boyfriend make sure she swallows the evidence.

   If you're crazy and you know it, shake your meds.

   Happy Birthday 21st Amendment

   I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.

   Everyone becomes an air drumming master 3 minutes and 40 seconds into Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight".

   If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.

   In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.

   While others prefer to pop wine bottles and champagne, I just prefer to pop corn.

   I’ll bet you all the money in my savings account that I’m broke.

   I'm not a "stalker". I want to make sure you're okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.