Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got mood poisoning from work....

   just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.

   I’m the world record holder for the most arguments won against a woman................................................. 1 to be exact

   Breaking News: The much talked about Oscar Pistorious movie "The Blade Shooter" fails to win any award in Oscars.

   people who criticize today's song lyrics never listened to Blinded by the Light...

   In retrospect the old song "Here Comes the Hotstepper Murderer"... Brings Oscar Pistorious to mind.

   I'm not an alcoholic, an alcoholic NEEDS a drink... I already have one

   NASCAR=National Assembly Of Super Crazy A$$ Rednecks

   I have been informed that my problems now have problems...I find this to be problematic.

   I went to an All You Can Eat buffet. It was $10.00. The guy acted all annoyed when I asked him what they had for $20.00.

   so lazy today that I cant even finish a

   Friends don't let friends make 'Harlem Shake' videos...

   If strippers are now called exotic dancers then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist

   Women are the original autocorrect.

   I'm sane with you, I'm just not insane with you.

   My Dad told me all the kinds of girls I should stay away from. I think my Dad overestimates my options.

   A pizza is a pie chart that shows you exactly how pizza you have eaten and how much is left.

   The Home Office have declined my passport renewal on the grounds they cannot except 'It's complicated' as a marital status.

   First you have to tell 'em Santa's not real. Then you have to tell 'em Nicki Minaj is real.. ..no wonder the kids are confused.

   People don't change... They just learn to lie better!