Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget the wild animals, aliens, ghosts, snakes or spiders; the greatest danger to a human being is another human being.

   when I become CEO of Subway emploees will no longer be called sandwich artists the will be sub humans

   Relax. You’re not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings; we’re boozers, boozers go to parties.

   At a job interview. "What would you say was your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a crap what you think."

   LeBron as good as Jordan?! Ha! Call me when LeBron saves the Looney Tunes from an alien race.

   Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.

   If beer pong has taught me anything... it's that there's no cool way to chase a ping pong ball.

   Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.

   So after breaking 7 out of 10 commandments this week I can still run for Pope, right?

   It's not poetry, if it's not written in blood.

   Lord, please forgive these gas prices, for they know not what they do to my pockets...

   My cat is my date and we got asked to leave the Olive Garden. Probably because she's black.

   It's okay that I touch my cousin's fake breasts because they aren't really hers, right guys?

   Opinions are like as sholes. I only listen to mine.

   I’m totally gonna ask this lady breast feeding her baby, for a little squirt for my coffee.

   Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”

   4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   Guys, don't hit your woman! Bottle that $hit up inside like a real man!!

   a woman a day keeps the hand away