Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who needs beer goggles - I've got vodka binoculars.

   if the Sequester lasts too long, politicians will have to furlow their hookers...

   Sequester Day 1. Sarasota, Florida. Lights still turn on, my shower had hot water, no rioting yet. I'm secure in my bunker. Rations inventoried. Locked & loaded...... God help us

   Being swallowed by a sinkhole is a bad way to start the day. At least he gets to avoid the sequester...

   One of my buddies is a teacher in a primarily black neighbourhood. Yesterday he asked his young class what sound a pig makes? One kid says "Freeze, It's the police"! Kids say the darndest things!

   Dad when I grow up I want a twitter account…I’m sorry son you can’t do both…

   Putting Vodka in my juice because it's Russia somewhere...

   I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.

   I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?

   The best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.

   Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.

   Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"

   Me: Here you go officer. Cop: This is a notecard with “License thingie” written on it in red crayon. Me: I have one in blue if you prefer.

   I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.

   Whoever made murder illegal seriously did everyone I know a huge favor.

   Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!

   Seeing a unicorn would be incredible and all, until you realize a wild animal with a spike on its head tends to enjoy spearing things to death.

   people get so mad at me in the self-checkout lane....i stand there checking myself out just like the name says. they say I take too long

   By ignoring me, you have just made yourself a powerful stalker!

   Girls with big boobs never have to worry about having spinach stuck in their teeth.