Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions.

   when a girl posts a bunch of quotes about how strong women are, avoid that s hit like the herp!!!

   I lost respect for my wife when she accused me of lying that time I caught syphilis from a pay phone.

   It's entirely conceivable that the ass I just saw plays a key role in the machinations of the rocking world...

   In-laws are watching the kids tonight. Can't wait to put a load in the dishwasher.

   If you’re gonna use the word ‘horny’, you’d better be attractive. Otherwise, cut that s hit out.

   I'm not a "tree hugger", but I'd like for my grandkids to have "oxygen".

   When the interviewer asks "Why do you want to work here?" don't answer "you'll find out!" and laugh maniacally

   The amount of time you've spent nagging, you could have blown me AND done the dishes, stupid.

   You claim to have started from the bottom. But you forget to mention you still down there.

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".

   I'll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers

   I think KFC should expand their menu to include a 30 piece bucket of original recipe/ extra crispy skin.

   What if we found out that there's no such thing as Federal Bikini Inspectors and those guys in the t-shirts are con-men?

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.

   PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

   Justin Beiber wants to beat off reporters. Only male reporters, Beiber isn't interested in touching females.

   The way things are going in Washington, it probably won't be long until you'll have to get a permit just to shoot the breeze.

   Tequila makes the world go around...I mean the room, it makes the room go around. :-/

   SEAN PENN is a communist-loving sellout. Why the hell was he crying like a little b itch at HUGO CHAVEZ funeral?