Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had to sit down half-way through peeling a hard-boiled egg.

   Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

   I passed my drug test with FLYING COLORS!!! the LSD section anyways...

   You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.

   alcohol and drugs is not the answer...unless you're asking what I'm doing this weekend.

   Fat chicks like hash tags cause they look like waffles #

   Guys If a Woman Shaves hers Legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.

   A real woman knows how to make you feel wanted, dead or alive.

   If a chick eats some expensive cuisine in a 5-star restaurant and does not post a pic of it on her FB wall, did it even happen?

   Before you and your best friend decide to stop speaking to each other, hug them and stab them to death because they know way too much.

   They say that babies do a better job at attracting girls than puppies, so that's why I have this baby on a leash, Officer.

   Men who enjoy making their girlfriends jealous, good luck dealing with the crazy psycho you created.

   I will not call what we have a relationship. I prefer the term "unholy alliance."

   I hate when a rap song comes on and I'm white.

   If I were a rapper I'd go by the name of lay-Z. Wouldn't release a single track.

   What doesn't kill you makes you want to go back to him for more.

   Don't steal things you don't need or want, like hearts.

   This complimentary lemonade at the doctor's office tastes funny.

   Got kicked outta hospital,the 'stroke patients here' means something completely different.....xXx

   My signature sex move is paying upfront.