Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When it's raining I don't work, when its sunny I don't work, when its cloudy I call in sick!

   Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.

   According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.

   I'm so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

   The eucalyptical is a rare machine, found only in koala gyms.

   I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.

   So, which Pope is your favorite going into the combine?

   Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

   the other person supposed to know you're having Tantric sex with them?

   I'm developing an app that locates se x offenders near you. It's really just a directory of churches, but it's pretty accurate.

   Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?

   WOULD you like fries with that? Would YOU like fries with that? Would you LIKE fries with that? - Most actors, preparing for work

   Leaving the house with my phone at 30% battery, wish me luck everyone. Send me your prayers in these tough times.

   I feel like my dogs version of porn is watching me eat chicken.

   This Repressed Childhood Memory Foam mattress isn't providing any kind of comfort.

   Got a dashcam, so am all set for the next meteorite.

   If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it's a vegetable.

   All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.

   after I ask the magic 8-ball, I get a second opinion from the bobble-head..

   I do a five-minute open mic set several times a week. The order taker at Jack in the Box thinks I'm a riot.