Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking News: Jesus being charged with manslaughter after Oklahoma woman let him take the wheel resulting in a head on collision.

   Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner? No? Me neither.

   Dear pro athletes. It doesn't matter how big your contract is, in 5 years you'll be just as bankrupt...

   Sip hits the fan: Big Gulp 1, Bloomberg 0

   I won employee of the month!!!.... again! I love being self employed.

   It seems like around 90% of my work day is spent between the hours of four and five o'clock.

   Dennis Rodman is visiting the Vatican as it elects a new pope. This doesn't sound good.

   How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? LOL don't be funny, feminists can't change anything.

   After mating, the female praying mantis kills and eats the male. I guess she figured it's easier to get life insurance instead of fighting for child support from him later.

   His 'holiness'?? It seems Catholics have more love and respect for the Pope than they do for Jesus.

   Error 404: Hugo Chavez Not Found

   I don't know how to live, I'm just improvising from day to day.

   Nicki Minaj's stylists must be exhausted from finding new and creative ways to hide her enormous camel toe.

   I'm white, but I'm not... Wait. "Friends" is on. I'll finish this joke later.

   Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.

   Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.

   I'm Mexican, but not "cut your lawn" Mexican. I will, however, steal your job and live with 28 other people.

   Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Unless their shoes are Crocs. Those as sholes can die in a fire.

   White smoke is coming out of my neighbor's house. He either elected a new Pope or he's got some good weed.

   Some people will "LIKE" whatever you post on your wall....and it's probably not because they like or understand it ... but it is because "YOU" posted it.