Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me

   I think you scientists did a great job of making old people's d-i-c-k-s hard. How 'bout you guys take a look at cancer and stuff now.

   Went for a romantic walk in the woods last night. Well, I called it romantic. She called it stalking.

   I fear the day someone invents a vibrator that can also open jars.

   i wanna give Taylor a Swift kick in the ass

   Let's get it straight. It's not about the, "Right to bear arms", it's about the, "Right to arm bears."

   Ok so there are Google Goggles and Google Shoes... Wake me when they launch the Google Snuggie!

   I think I might have had a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O’Furniture.

   I'm going to Brussells. Anyone need sprouts?

   What??? You want me to travel to Manila to pick up some envelopes??

   Rihanna says she’ll probably have kids,,,,,, mostly because Chris wants to take a swing at being a dad.

   If you took all the babies on earth and stacked them head to toe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, That would be kidnapping.

   I'm not saying don't trust the internet but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I've won & the number of ipads I own

   I'm not lazy. I just absolutely, passionately, wholeheartedly enjoy doing nothing.

   I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min I come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.

   it's spring break around here and judging by the FB posts, all teachers hate their jobs..

   There should be a "I've seen enough" button.

   I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".

   The most fascinating thing I remember from my childhood is the amount of people Coolio fit into his trunk that day he went on a Fantastic Voyage.

   If I were a sheriff in the old west, I'd make some "WANTED" posters that said "NOT INTERESTED" so insecure outlaws would just come to me.