Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.

   The Surgeon General has declared that cigarettes can harm your children....... Fair enough. I'll start using an ashtray!

   I answer the door with a nal beads and whiskey so when the Jehovah's come they know what they're in for.

   You had me at "I've got weed."

   If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to "Widowed", it's time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.

   Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

   My wife announced that she was leaving me because of my obsession with baking. I said, "there's no knead for that cupcake..."

   The girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.

   I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn't be allowed to leave Wal Mart.

   If I ever have an ugly child there is no way in hell they're going to find out about "Bring Your Child To Work" day.

   You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

   Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?

   So the Clinton's postion on gay marriage has "evolved" and they are now in support of it. I'm confused, haven't they been in a gay marriage since 1975

   I opened up Microsoft Word, sneezed all over my keyboard, I accidently made a Honey Boo Boo reality show script.

   Telling an atheist to respect your religion is like telling a black person to respect the KKK.

   It's mean to give a homeless person money for food without giving him money for a phone too... How do you expect him to Instargram the food?

   I've never been that "Super Thug gangsta, keep going to jail type of black guy" I'm more of a "keep a steady job, continue college, love God and my country type of black guy" regardless I still love fried chicken and watermelon.. keep it real my friends

   The worst part about banging a chinese women is half hour later you want to bang another ..

   How come us regular folks don't have that luxury of choosing how we should be punished for our crimes like Lindsay Logan??

   Luke 6:27 But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. I got you a Justin Bieber CD.