Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if I'd get kicked out of an AA if I pulled a Jeff Spicoli and ordered a pizza to it.

   Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.

   On Fridays I like to spend my lunch at the old folks home dragging my feet around the carpet and shocking them...... I saved 8 lives last month

   A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That's pretty far-fetched.

   Those yoga pants are too shear ~ no man ever

   My brackets perfect so far, I fill it out after every game.

   I Love The Taste Of Water...Especially If It Has Barley,Yeast,Hops,and Sugar Added To It and Left In A Little Dark Brown Bottle In A Cool Celler For A Few Months.

   a plus to dressing slutty on a date - you really don't have to be all that interesting.

   Every time I seen an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I’ve never partied that hard.

   "That's it. I'm done. I'm never hanging out at a swimming pool again."~ Marco Polo

   Life is all about ass. Everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply just being one.

   trying to have sex when you're wasted is like trying to play pool with a piece of string

   Thailand tourism - boys will be boys, the girls will be boys too

   Drink before you speak

   Epidemic: Girls who have really good male best friends, but claims they have no man!

   Women: When it comes to doggie style...men are behind you 100%

   I'm a people person. As long as the people are hot girls...

   Don’t tell a girl who gives bad head she’s good. You’re making her comfortable and ruining it for the rest of us.

   Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

   I’m white but I’m not Betty White.