Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol + Taylor Swift + Drugs = Ke$ha

   I always tell people how fat I am. Then they tell me I'm not and I feel better about myself. - MOST WOMEN

   May I borrow your pen? I promise to return it all chewed up and full of spit.

   I wonder if there is a secret feud between rocket scientists and brain surgeons.

   I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

   Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That's not lazy, that's proactive.

   Hold your horses there Plex-King. A little moderation if you please.

   God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.

   I always have sex with the front door open, So I can give Jehovas something to witness.

   I don't understand why mothers say, "I just had a newborn baby." If you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just pushed a 2 month old out your crotch.

   If people winked as much in real life as they do in text, this world would be a really creepy place.

   So there I was, wanking myself off, when suddenly I thought "This prostitute is lazy".

   Talking to some people is like having to slap an old TV a few times to get the picture.

   What's the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other one is a walrus.

   That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there's no milk so you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?

   Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.

   I wish I knew what kind of withdrawals I'm having right now so I could focus more on that particular drug.

   it rude to throw a breathmint in someone's mouth while they are talking??

   Sorry, I'm not tall enough to ride your emotional roller coaster ...

   I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."