Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.

   You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.

   I'm a really nice guy before you get to know me.

   as a kid my mom used to tell us kids "i dont want to hear a peep"....i just listened to the easter basket & I dont hear anything

   Have you ever slept so hard that you worry about whether or not the creases on your face will go away?

   I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.

   "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer: "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

   Hush little laptop dont you cry mommas gonna find you some more wifi

   if your hot enough, being crazy won't effect luring a man in

   better to let people know you're crazy up front than to be an imposter

   Ladies, hide the crazy while you lure us in...JS

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullshit.

   Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

   there are two types of people...don't worry you are not one of them.

   Still haven't answered my life's calling... I've always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.

   Bruno Mars has the voice of an angel and the lyrics of a 13 year old girl.

   I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.

   ♫Refract light like a diamond! Refract light like a diamond!♫" - If Rihanna went to science class

   My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations.

   The most important sense you have is humor.