Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The United States is the land of freedom. Not free stuff!

   Someday I want to be rich enough where I can do things like accidentally drop my new cell phone into a public toilet and not even consider fishing it out.

   Silence is golden. Too bad nobody is buying.

   People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.

   "Because all men - honey, I tell you aaaallllll men - are created equal." -Hair. And I think some other historical document. But mostly Hair.

   The worst part about make up sex is when your girlfriend walks in and you have her lip stick in your butt.

   This morning I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face....frickin’ neighbor kids and their Sharpies......

   Only because I take things ever so personally, from now on, when someone posts FML, I'll assume they mean "Fermenting My Liver."

   ME: When is "trash day?"............ NEIGHBOR: Umm,,, we don't observe "trash day"

   While "suck my d-ick" is an insult, "lick my p-ussy" sounds more like an invitation.

   I wonder how many times Jesus ran out of the room crying and screaming “You’re not even my real dad, Joseph.”

   It’s a little difficult to worry about starving children in Africa when we still have people in America using flip phones.

   Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.

   GREAT!! now everytime I see someone on tv trying to save someone elses life. all I'm gonna hear in my head is "Staying Alive"

   I wonder if the new popemobile will be a low rider??

   Lost in all this marriage debate are the Tranny's. Who can they marry, either sex or neither sex??

   I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.

   Why does everything at my house involve a battery that needs charging?

   When I diet, I lose weight in my face and middle first. So basically after a month or so, the only thing people see are my arms, legs, and moobs.

   I donated blood today. Now I can be secure in the knowledge that somewhere, some fortunate person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to dance badly, sing off key loudly, and giggle a lot as they walk into things. And a hangover.