Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year

   Might name my kid puberty, so everyone can hit puberty

   funny, I see anyone wearing those "LiveStrong" wristbands anymore...

   Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door,,, I say, "Hey! Sorry I'm late."

   having my phone number is like having a direct line to God, But better, because I answer.. .

   FACT; Religion has caused more misery to all of mankind in every stage of human history than any other single idea.

   Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!

   I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....

   I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

   Can you guys in a relationship stop bragging please? Not all of us have a cat.

   I don't care if you are gay or straight, I will do my best to talk you out of getting married equally.

   I save a lot of money on therapy because my childhood imaginary friend earned his PhD in psychology.

   Yo mama is so ugly that she practices birth control by leaving the lights on.

   so, you graduated from the school of hard knocks? Wow, very impressive...can I sleep with you??

   After I do something I compliment myself in my mind using the voices of people I know.

   Ladies, finding a man is easy. Just chill with the insecurities and talk less. Keeping a man is easy too. Learn to cook and scuk his dcik…

   I'm guessing if we see pink smoke, that will mean the justices has reached a decision?

   I saw a fat girl at the gym today. She had an iPad strapped to her arm.

   If I were a spider, I would spice up my résumé by listing myself as a web developer.

   I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?