Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   I'll listen to your views on climate change right after you shovel my driveway.

   I've discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I'm probably going to die alone.

   I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

   If you're for gay marriage then you are also for hurting children. Kids need a mother and a father:not two dads or two moms. There is no arguing this fact.

   It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I'll pay this time , but I'm not happy ... !!

   I went to a club and they played “The Twist”, so I did the twist. They played “Jump”, so I jumped. They played “Come on Eileen”… I got kicked out for that one.

   Easter: The day Jesus slapped YOLO in the face.

   I'm not sure if Internet p@rn has really ruined any relationships but I'm sure it's ruined some keyboards.

   i love when my parents go away and leave me money for food.. little do they know I spend it on drugs and alcohol!

   Doctors report a spike in Harlem Shaken Baby Syndrome....

   Beauty and the Beast is my favorite fairy tale about beastiality

   Wearing gray sweats and a RoadHouse shirt today if any of your kids need a role model.

   I feel so blessed that the government protects my family and I from the dangers of gay marriage so we can safely go buy some assault weapons

   It's ironic that you mean "coincidental" when you said "ironic" because, ironically, you dont know the definition of "irony."

   It should be a rule that if you dress up like a sea captain, you get a free dinner at Red Lobster. I'll pay this time, but I'm not happy.

   Alphabet soup is just soup when you can't read

   "Find the Juan for you!" - Mexican dating site

   Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.

   Saw a bird poo on a Smart car. Totaled it.