Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog has learned a lot of tricks.... But it's funny, I dont remember him watching me licking my balls.????

   "Just because it's on the Internet doesn't make it true" - Albert Einstein

   I always wondered how pregnancy tests work, is it pink it's a girl? Blue it's a psycho?

   may your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it on facebook

   This Jesus guy, no wonder women worship him. How long has it taken his 2nd coming?

   I wish FB would charge to create a profile so there wouldn't be so many dumb ass profiles...

   After sex, I've the same problem as a murderer; what to do with the body.

   GIRLFRIEND: “You're leaving after I gave you the best years of my life?” ME: “If those were your best, then I ain’t sticking around for your worst.”

   I didn't say you are perfect, b!itch, I said you are a perfect b!itch!

   Churches-Some of the most beautiful ornate building that house the most ugly & bitter people that hate life & want you to hate it too

   Didn't leave home today. It was too peopley out there.

   Dear fellow countrymen, please watch Press TV now! Lot of smart America ns being interviewed (regarding korea war)which you will never see in major media networks.

   I'm shocked Barbara Walters is retiring. I thought she was dead...

   I always wondered how pregnancy tests work, is it blue it's a boy? Pink it's a psycho?

   I wanted to smoke weed with this cute Mexican girl I work with today. But when I asked her if she had papers, she took off sprinting.

   "... okay, if it's a girl, we'll name her Serena Williams but if it's a boy we'll call him, Serena Williams..."

   I hide my por n in a folder named “por n” on my desktop because I refuse to live in fear.

   How do you choke someone without killing them? Asking for a friend.

   If you've ever refused to finish a drink because "it didn't taste good" even though it had alcohol in it I'm not sure we can be friends.

   If I'm ever the defendant in a murder trial, I hope Forest Whitaker is the only eye witness.