Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vodka infused marshmallow peeps. Perfect for adult Easter baskets.

   Tonight a human sized rabbit will be walking around your house while you sleep and will be leaving your kids candy......nothing creepy about that.

   N Korea claims it is in a "state of war" with the south. We could end this easily by turning over South Korea's most valuable asset: Gangnam Style!

   Basketball. Pfft. Running back and forth. Making passes. Dribbling. I do that every Friday night.

   The phone company Virgin Mobile pretty much gives its satisfaction rate just by its name

   I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."

   I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

   My porn star friend recently passed away. As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

   Go home North Korea, you're drunk!

   forget kay....every kiss begins with a semicolon :*

   im not controlling ....just aggressively helpful !!!!

   I love a good meal at the deli. Where else can I go to get an overabundance of nitrites, nitrates, saturated fats, cholesterol and sodium all served up on weird bread that contains seeds?

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?

   for girls night out, my wife takes a hundred dollar bill. For guys night out, I take a hundred dollar bills!

   SITTING at a stop light and had a group of cute ladies stop next to me and wave. I smiled and waved back, only to soon realize they were waving at the guys in the Camero on my right. Felt like high school all over again...

   Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?

   You don't know true competition until you're one of the last two people in musical chairs.

   You know what really upsets me? When a stranger on the internet isn't satisfied with the entertainment I provide him for free. It hurts. :(

   North Korea chose the right time to declare war on South Korea. With them releasing "Gangnam Style", no one is going to feel sorry for them.

   North Korea is about to do a Harlem Shake on South Korea