Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.

   “Look at my face, does it look like I care?” – “Well by looking at your face, God didn’t care either.”

   “I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullsh*t”

   I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.

   Man that Game of Thrones is a much better fictional novel series than the Bible ever is.

   If you recieve something that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend.

   Dear Heart, Please stop breaking, you weren’t made in China.

   you know you are great at sex when she tells her friends...and her family....and the police. :|

   Don't worry, US is headed in the same starving its population direction as NKorea. Its only a matter of years all our money will be spent on mindless defence

   All we are saying, is give PEEPS a chance.

   Happy Jesus day aka Easter. +

   Hello 911?,,, I need to report a kidnapping....yeah, there's a baby goat asleep in my lap,,. No, don't send cops,, you'll wake him up

   great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.

   Hoppy Easter Everybunny

   Are you a math problem because you are confusing me and making me cry

   Why can't someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?

   I feel bad for whoever has to explain the Harlem Shake to Jesus!

   Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.

   Easter reminds me of how boring my death will probably be.

   when ur boss calls you while ur having surgery to ask a stupid f ucking question, he's clearly a J EW who's going to h ell