Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently I didn't use enough As*hole repellent today!

   I must confess...I want to get back with my ex..LOL just kidding! I would rather Sh*t in my hand and clap!!!

   It's time for my weekly game of, "Let's see how long I can drive with my gas light on."

   My relationship status just changed to sweatpants oreos and netflix!

   If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is "My god how does he drink his beer??", You might be an alcoholic.

   Honk if you hate car horns.

   Was I supposed to put the stripper in the cake before or after I bake it?.. Either way,, I gotta hide this body.. It's starting to smell

   You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...

   After deep thought and years of studying the language... Am I correct in thinking that zoom a zoom zoomin in a boom boom is indeed, penetrating a butthole?

   Women are simply incredible, magnificent, alluring creatures. Why they're all not lesbians is beyond me.

   Today is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. “So it’s like any other day. Right?

   I wish life would use lube before it bends me over.

   I still do nice things for people even though they're a$$holes.. I guess that's my superpower.

   Things may be in a constant state of change, but I don't give a flux.

   Thought I was passing a kidney stone, but it was just a jellybean.

   If you saunter in front of my car like there's no rush while I politely wait for you, I will continue to wait in quiet rage. Take that!

   I'm concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn't tell everyone on FB how much I love them.

   It's not the followers count that matters, but a few lovely people among those who make it their life to make you felt loved.

   "She's one hot mess" means "She's bat $hit crazy, but I'd do her!"

   The hardest part of being a zombie would be hiding your excitement of being one.