Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   US Marine SGT Michael Cable died in Afganistan today, but yet all I see on the TV is people mourning a drunk hillbilly....

   I hate arrogant people who think no one but themselves.They're like criminals.

   Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.

   I'm convinced...you can set up a profile, put up a pic of a t-urd in a skirt and hi heels wearing make-up, and some l0ser on fb will comment..."UR BEAUTIFUL!"

   Rumors are a lot like buttcheeks because once you spread them, someone's a$$ is about to get hurt.

   The easiest way to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

   Welcome to April! The month when nobody watches "Harlem Shakes Videos" anymore... so, why is the song on the Hot 100 spot of Billboard?

   I hope he buys you flour, I hope he greases your pan.

   I think of my whole day as "puttering around before bed".

   Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, 4 cd's, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   They should have travel agents for poor people who offer affordable weekend getaways to the homes of people who can afford to go on vacation

   If I told you that you had a beautiful body would you hold it against some other guy while I'm out at work just trying to provide for us?

   Just ate my toothbrush to clean those hard-to-reach places.

   A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

   If you love her then you should hold her hand in public because women need to be lead around by a man or they will have no clue what to do.

   It ain't rocket science folks, women LOVE douchebags.

   i still don't understand how coffee dehydrates you when it's madewith

   You may look physically better than I do, but GRACE is d Reason Why I ALWAYS Get what you wish you had!

   I'm sorry, but I can't understand a word that is coming out of your mouth, I don't speak Bone Thugz N Harmony.