Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's be Sonny & Cher....I'll get old and show everyone my a$$, and you can ski into a tree and die.

   I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.

   95% of lifes conversations boil down to "If you pretend to care about what I'm saying, I'll pretend to care about what you're saying."

   Love your job but don't love your company because you may not know when your company stops loving you.

   Wanted to wear something less restricting to work today so I went with granny panties and a Snuggie and that's why I'm in HR this morning.

   Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

   I envy a gay man's ability to not be lured to shipwreck by a nice pair of breasts.

   I read quantum physics magazines for the particles...

   Wearing a sweater that's not fully dry; why don't you tell me how your morning's going so I can feel better about my life choices.

   "Tyler Perry presents: Tyler Perry in Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry."

   Does anyone out there realize that reality shows are scripted and are not really reality?

   I shouldn't have had that 14th cup of coffee... I CAN'T EVEN BLINK ANYMORE!

   FYI- Clear plastic bra straps make you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   Is it necessary for every office-building stairwell to look like a Law & Order crime scene?

   To really intrigue, women must be capable of revenge and cruelty — toward others or themselves.

   Just realized I havn't checked in on my Tamagotchi for 14 years. Wish my wife could be the same way.

   I need to get my life together. I spilled Life cereal all over the counter!

   i was winning egg hunts before I was even born

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner. --daniel tosh

   COPY THIS AS YOUR STATUS AND SEE WHAT PEOPLE RATE YOU. | 1. Perfect | 2. Perfect | 3. Perfect | 4. Perfect | 5. Perfect | 6. Perfect | 7. Perfect | 8. Perfect | 9. Perfect | 10. Perfect | 11. Perfect | 12. Perfect | 13. Perfect | 14. Perfect | 15. Perfect