Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You believe some dude walked on water but being g ay is unnatural?

   My safe word is "eww."

   When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. No one could imagine why he was my friend.

   I like to draw graffiti on highway overpasses. Things like "clearance 40 feet".

   I used to get scared when I worked nights as a security guard so I carried a security blanket.

   FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" is not really a good defense in court

   Fire roasted peanuts are so much better than water or wind roasted peanuts.

   I know you think saying you need everything "ASAP" makes you seem important, but really it makes you seem like you can't plan.

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.

   I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.

   Be alert! The world needs more lerts!

   Sometimes you're the windshield and sometime you're the bug!

   I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

   Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.

   Video games don't encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

   I'm torn between living skinny and dying happy.

   The only charities I've donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.

   holds twitter under black light.... Gross.

   If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn't even have lights at the Super Bowl.

   Dear Kim Jong Un, Mr Dennis Rodman didn't impress you? Well here let me introduce you to US Naval Seal Team 6!!