Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe we should just crop dust North Korea with Chronic Smoke! Just calm that whole area down a bit! I'm sure Colorado could support the mission......

   Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."

   I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.

   Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world

   I'm pretty sure the Salvation Army could kick North Korea's a$$...

   Hey North Korea. Do you even lift bro?

   Four things that can never be recovered: the stone after it’s thrown, the word after it’s spoken, the occasion after it’s missed, and the time after it’s gone.

   WebMD needs to add the question “Have you eaten Taco Bell today?” when asking about stomach-related symptoms.

   Being afraid of North Korea is like calling the FBI because someone threatened you in a YouTube comment.

   If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.

   Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.

   Don't worry guy's, my family could hold off North Korea by ourselves......

   The only thing I spill when I'm drinking is my reputation...

   When I was younger, I lived in downtown San Diego. I was a chubby little white boy trying not to be noticed by the local gang groups. When they did notice me one day, I was scared. Until they tried to take my Pokemon Gold game. Nearly beat them to death.

   When I say "I did laundry," I say it in a voice that infers that I just spent 12 hours beating the clothes against rocks near a remote creek

   Squirrels are just rats who blow dry their tails.

   If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

   I HATE people who take drugs. Customs for example.

   Forget North Korea and America, the next nuclear war will be between your lips and mine...tonite.

   Keys to a good marriage: 1) Trust 2) Communication 3) Intimacy 4) Blocking each other on Social Networks And 5) Alcohol