Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one realizes when someone says, "The last thing I wanna do is hurt you," that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

   You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

   How the hell do you call Batman during the day?

   if a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?

   Ladies don't worry, she will never be you...and when he realizes this, don't take him back because he probably has herpes.

   I buy cheap booze and expensive toilet paper because my liver doesn't care but my ass does.

   I'm not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.

   The Bible says h*mosexuality is wrong. I forget the exact chapter. But it’s there somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

   North Korea is the snotty kid that no one liked and China is the babysitter that let him do what he wanted so she could fu*k her boyfriend.

   Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they're just nodding and thinking about pancakes.

   Emo kids can't wait to reach puberty so they can cut themselves shaving.

   I see people are still talking about their spirit animals. They put mine to sleep so I can't go in on that one.

   People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   All voicemail systems tell you the date and time of the message, so can you please, please, please stop telling me what time it is.

   Poss reasons for weight gain 1) cows switched to fullfat grass 2) pizza's not a veg now 3) my hips are pregnant 4) eat too much*

   I hate when the guy seated next to me on the plane falls asleep and his azz starts to snore.

   Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is

   thinks that girls who say they're comfortable with their body may as well say "why bother taking care of myself"

   Pot luck means bring a bag of chips right?

   Westly Snipes should have never gone to prison for a misdemeanor convection! How about locking up some of the bankers who crashed the economy?