Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only appointments I'm ever on time for are disappointments.

   Kim Kardashian looks like a pregnant drag queen.

   Let's send Kim Kardashian to N. Korea!!

   I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

   To be a diplomat assigned to north korea, you had to be on someone's naughty list

   To Fatty, go ahead and pull the trigger or shut up.

   Phone case designs are the perfect way of measuring someone's maturity level.

   Justin Bieber's music is actually really good!...Once you turn the volume down all the way.

   How the hell do you call Batman during the day? A: the bat phone, duh

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan,, they can continue to talk about being a vegan for up to another 6 minutes?

   I just remembed why I rarely post on FB..... As soon as I put a joke up, someone takes it seriously.

   THE WORST: I just spent $30 on apples at Whole Foods and then dropped both of them!

   I hope the Finding Nemo sequel Finding Dory involves child protective services because this is getting ridiculous.

   Haha! Some guy told me he doesn’t go down on his girlfriend and she doesn’t complain. I told him it’s because someone else does.

   If you get carried away, just promise to take me with you.

   My girl's father got mad at me, for writing my name in piss on the side of his house. I said "what about your daughter sir, it was her handwriting"

   Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I'm going to assume that's your smart car parked outside.

   I hate it when someone gives me a really fake smile. Especially when I've gone to the trouble of making my fake smile seem so genuine.

   Booze is just Febreze for the soul

   I don't need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.