Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

   If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

   Kristen Stewart looks pretty good for someone who's facial expression is always "I murdered someone"

   BBC: North Korea's Kim Jong-un threatening nuclear attack against US. CNN: North Korea may be a nuclear threat. Fox News: I like turtles.

   I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

   If you've ever seen a woman masturbate, it's odd they're not better at video games.

   Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.

   Women will stop crying if you start licking the tears off their cheeks and tell them how delicious their life force is. I think.

   Jesus died (temporarily for 3 days) for your sins (then resurrected with sweet superpowers). So you (really don't) owe him anything.

   I've never met a vegan I didn't immediately hate.

   They just caught your girlfriend on river monsters

   Leave North Korea alone. It’s like making fun of the retarded kid who eats crayons.

   Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about the damn Kardashians.

   Diamonds are women's best friends. Little shiny rocks are their best friends. This is the kind of crazy men have to deal with.

   We don't need "another" Immigration Bill. We need to enforce the law of the land and send them HOME.... Since when it is become fashionable to REWARD people for breaking the law????

   NO AMNESTY!!!. Real Americans don't want it!!

   If you preach hatred to your children,you can expect never ending bloodshed.

   I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

   I am about to drop some dark matter in the camode.

   Someone should really tell the ACM's it's COUNTRY MUSIC! Sad.