Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry your internet boyfriend cheated on you. I hope your husband will dry your tears.

   I'm such a giving person; if cannibals were cooking me, I'd give them tips on how to make me more tender.

   Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up.

   I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.

   My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

   Self Righteousness is a form of guilt that arises from discrimination

   I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.

   just dipped a banana into a jar of natural peanut butter and the end broke off and sank to the bottom. ...just in case anyone wants to get me a new jar of peanut butter ...or some meds ...or a life.

   Own any thing you want, but don’t let any thing own you.

   Oral sex does not mean talking about it.

   Men say women should come with instructions. Hello! When was the last time you saw a guy read the instructions?

   There's someone out there for everyone. (The motto of hideous people the world over.)

   I've seen enough episodes of "Cops" to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces....

   One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.

   Only thing good about "good morning" is the breakfast tacos

   I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method

   Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.

   I haven't been able to stop crying since that stranger on the internet said that they didn't like me...

   Why is it that we attacked Iraq for supposedly having weapons of mass destruction (which they didn't) meanwhile North Korea is bragging they have nukes and are threatening us with them and we just twiddle our thumbs!

   Snooze option must be the most pressed button in the morning :D