Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having a bucket list sounds like work. No thank you.

   After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead. Problem solved.

   can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??

   Facebook needs a dismember button.

   Never send Dennis Rodman to N.Korea to do Chris Brown's job.

   I love my lucky rabbit's foot because nothing says good fortune like the severed limb of an adorable, defenseless, woodland creature.

   Walmart is a Zoo for people.

   I don't want to 'complete' anyone, I would rather date someone that already has their sh*t together....

   If losing me wrecked your life, you seem to have forgotten what having you did to mine...

   Not sure how these ducks got into this Starbucks. Or teenage girls. Hard to tell really.

   My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   At the start of a relationship her snoring is gentle music. 5 years later you loom over her with a pillow and a distant look in your eye.

   Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.

   Lucy on facebook gets 107 likes when she posts "I can't sleep" I post a blow job joke and my aunt threatens to tell my mom. Facebook works in mysterious ways!

   A woman calling you "bro" is a pretty clear sign that it's time to put your pen*s back in your pants.

   Will tell jokes for Bitcoins!

   Got some stain remover that takes out grass, urine, sweat, coffee, and lipstick stains. Sounds like quite an evening.

   Sitting on the plane. Stewardess said pilot passed out can somebody fly the plane? Took me almost 10 hours just to get it off the runway.

   You can tell its getting warmer out. The first mullets of spring have appeared.

   To this day the clown in Poltergeist creeps me out