Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?

   I've recently nicknamed my girlfriend 'auto-correct', because she constantly tries to interfere with what I want to say.

   When I die I want Charlie Sheen's life to flash before my eyes.

   Friday instantly puts you in a good mood...

   Lost my job as an aquarium tour guide when I told a group of 3rd graders that, " Sharks were just dolphins that were into the military."

   I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.

   Nobody cares if you’re going to bed or woke up on Facebook, unless it’s with them.

   You like Justin Bieber? Well good for you! I like the smell of my own fart, but you don't see me bragging about it.

   I came so hard earlier today my index finger is still bragging about it

   It's like my bank account doesn't understand me.

   So you say you’re fat because you had children. What did they taste like?

   How to open a card: 1. Pretend to read card 2. Pretend to not look for money If money found: 3. Show gratitude OR 4. Feign gratitude

   Menstruation Day 1. Don't touch me Day 2. Hug me Day 3. Don't talk to me Day 4. Why don't you speak to me? Day 5. You never understand me

   Women are like drinks in a party; if you leave them alone, someone will steal them.

   My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   Marriage is the only war, during which, you sleep with the enemy.

   Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.

   This rum tastes way better hiding on isle 5 in the grocery store drinking it

   We all have someone at work we make fun of. If you don't, its you.

   Dont say you miss her when youre the reason why she left ...#TeamNoGoingDownTown