Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shed a tear every time my cell phone rings at work and its not Morpheus

   I'm trying really hard here not to apply myself, but I'm just so full of adhesive.

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and drink your poison.

   I want to toss all my regrets away, but I know that I'll need one later.

   I prefer going to the pub than going to church because the spirits in the pub are real

   Maybe Kim Jong Un just wants a Klondike bar

   F'king love Sundays... Or any other day that's not Mon-Fri.

   I'm just a guy searching for a reason to get off the couch.

   ***Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1

   Attention: Tonight's anticipated "northern lights" will not be presented. Due to US Government budget cuts...they were cancelled just like the US Navy Blue Angels and US Air Force Thunderbirds demo teams.

   Free hugs! (Deluxe hugs $2.00)

   I'll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I'm thinking to myself..."Umm...isn't that what real life is for?"

   Hang 'em up, Kobe. Black Mamba is done.

   If everybody's working for the weekend that means someone has been working for the week and they need to be stopped.

   Honey you used so much oil, the US wants to invade your plate!

   They say not to go grocery shopping when you are hungry. Not good to go pinteresting when you are hungry either.

   first he Cheats on his wife than he cheats in Golf!!!! Dam You tiger Woods!! lolol

   *Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 95.

   Panic over. you can sleep safe in your beds. I've sent Kim Jong a McDonalds Happy Meal & he's calmed down.

   Wake up on a strangers couch...check...use GPS to find out where I am....check ....walk to eat alone....check....return Tyson's Tiger...