Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you" - Women

   I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. The I realized she was just putting me on hold

   You say, 'I think its soo cool when your EX becomes an XXL' What if it's caused by anxiety of losing you and missing you?

   I think its soo cool when your EX becomes an XXL

   f by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.

   FUN FACT: Trying to find a shortcut out of IKEA on the weekend was the inspiration for the ending of The Shawshank Redemption.

   I feel like homeless people were once kids who decided to build a blanket fort but then just kinda stayed there

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.

   If you're poor you're a "Hoarder." If you're rich you're a "Collector."

   Even WITH a paddle, I still wouldn't go to sh*t creek.

   If you have at least 3 friends you can depend on to help you hide a body, Your enemies should be Very Worried!

   I have no problem with strangers, as long as they don't act like they know ME.

   i cant decide between American Idol, DWTS, THe Voice or chopping my nuts off with the hedge trimmers.....

   *REMEMBER ...Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

   Looks like Mother Nature is pulling Winter's Band-Aid off one hair at a time!

   Ladies.. Don't send a ;) face to us unless you want the D.

   Sorry I'm so late. I saw two sloths having sex at the zoo and spent the last seven weeks watching them.

   The movie scarface is actually a remake of the 1932 classic movie, scarface! So stop bit*hing about the planned 2014 remake.

   *Breaking News: North Korea's scientists claim to have developed a time machine. Translation: They figured out how to make a clock.