Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The irony, I was conceived on a pull out couch...

   a man was just arrested for having sex with a woman in exchange for food. He was charged with dating.

   80s music brings me back to good times like when I didn't exist.

   If you feel you 'have nobody to blame but yourself' you're not trying hard enough. I can always find someone to pin it on.

   You know you have a good plate of nachos when you rotate the plate a few times and still can't figure out where to start eating them from

   When you have an old girlfriend call asking for money for an alternator for her new boyfriend's car, you realize you need to upgrade your choices in women.

   If by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.

   The only difference between Mcdonald's and my work is Mcdonald's has only got one clown running the show..

   Kim Kardashian is reportedly overeating while pregnant to secure a lucrative weight loss deal. Didn't her sex tape already prove she'll put anything in her mouth to make money?

   There are men in this world who have killed sharks with their bare hands. I can't even touch a picture of a bug in a book.

   Love is like working out it hurts really bad until you just give up and eat a cake.

   How can you tell if someone at work drives a hybrid? Don't worry, they'll tell you 5 times a day...

   The 4 interactions I've had with human beings today, plus the one after that.

   Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight!

   Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.

   I hate when someone sends me a text and puts LOL at the end. I'll decide if I'm gonna laugh or not.

   Okay, I'll admit it. I just don't have the stamina required by most women. I mean, who can listen to a story for 40 minutes?

   Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones

   My girl cant have guy friends, Cuz guys are animals. "Ashley, you got something on your mouth. Let me wipe it off with my di*k."