Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys need super powers. Girls have boobs.

   Nothing makes me go from zero to Hitler faster than someone touching my phone.

   If pizza was a person, it would win the Nobel Peace Prize every year.

   The only thing that makes marriage different from being on death row is that married people wish they were dead.

   I'm a proud and satisfied user of the doggie-style technique!

   They always do things bigger in Texas.

   1 boom n the whole nation becomes god fearing, elected official praises... Big gots

   This over empathy for marathon runners should also b present when other countries r blasted. REMEMBER THAT!

   I think I'm gonna go hit the sack,,,, and then maybe go to bed

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low

   never gotten the amount of cheese grated on my pasta I want in a restaurant because I feel guilty when the waiter starts looking fatigued

   60% of the time, it works everytime

   The only thing I remember about being born was getting circumsised. It hurt so bad I couldn't walk for a year.

   Studies show we aren't doing anything right.

   My conservative friend had blood dripping from his mouth. I asked him if he's ok and he said "don't worry about it, my sister's in her period"

   Every time I do a good deed, something bad happens.

   Tonight I've used Brasso and leather soap! I imagine I smell like Joan Collins.

   Good things are free; bad things are also free.

   Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, You couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure..

   If you can't tell the difference between Digorno and delivery, you probably can't tell the difference between jacking off and poon tang...